Training For Older Age
Kindergarten Class for Couch Potatoes
What I’m telling you is, if you want to be able to get off the toilet at 85, you better start doing something about it now! Don’t be afraid, it doesn’t take that much.
I have been a physical therapist for 26 years, maybe longer by the time this book finds you. I work in out -patient orthopedics and I have treated patients from age 5 to 103, and two dogs. Not kidding. And it worked, maybe canine physical therapy is a new career path for me. Anyhow back on topic, one of my patients, who is truly a rocket scientist by profession while we were working together one day in his head, because there are people who like to do math in their head, (crazy I know) calculated based on my patient schedule, days and years I have worked declared that I have treated somewhere between 66,000 to 108,000 people so far in my career. And that was 5 years ago, so it is more now. Conservatively, that is 5 times the capacity of Madison Square Garden. I’m so glad I wash my hands after every treatment session. I bring this up because I have learned and noticed a few things through the years that I would like you to know. Information I think everyone should know and it might help, if we are fortunate enough and allowed the privilege to live into our older age. Back on topic now. For some reason most of us are surprised that our bodies don’t work the same as we age. Every day, and I mean EVERY DAY someone will ask me, “Why or how did this happen?
Part of the answer is blunt and a bit brutal. It’s because you did nothing for decades to care for your body. It’s harsh but true. People spend more energy and money maintaining their car than maintaining their body. The car got services, washes, oil changes, new tires and gas etc. We spend thousands of dollars a year for something most people own 5-7 years. Our bodies we treat badly, giving them no maintenance for decades. And then, when something breaks down, we are angry that our bodies failed us. No machine I know of will run for 40, 50, 60, 70, or 80+ years without maintenance. Our bodies are wonderful, imperfect perfect machines that will continue to work and adapt to most everything, making tweaks and adjustments until one day, it can’t. And then we wonder why.
If you are over the age of 40, one day you went to get up off the floor or pick something up off the ground and an involuntary grunt, groan, grumble or some other unconscious sound escaped your mouth. Welcome to aging. Sorry.
The painful truth is that as we age, we lose muscle mass, agility, flexibility, bone density and a whole host of other physical deficits occur. But it happens so gradual that we often don’t notice until one day, we can’t get out of a chair, up a flight of stairs, off the floor, or roll over in bed.
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What About Dick!
My latest book will not be for everyone but– its funny (I promise). I didn’t choose to do this– but when life gives you lemons… (penis pictures) … you make a book about it! (FYI all the photos are anonymous– I DO NOT know any of the ” people”)
This a silly book about dick pics. It’s meant to be fun(ny) but thought it would be prudent to supply at least some background. Cyber flashing, a fancy name for dick pic, occurs for a myriad of reasons from sinister to flirting. And in most countries it is a crime, but based on the prevalence, rarely enforced.
If you have a dick, you’ve drawn a dick. It’s human nature. Maybe you doodled it in the air, but the fact is you’ve drawn a dick.
Even if you don’t have a dick, you’ve probably drawn one as well. Humans have been drawing dicks since the beginning of time. Scientists have discovered a dick pic engraved on a rock in Greece dating back to the sixth century BC, that’s approximately 2,600 years ago. That is a very old dick.
Why did they draw penises? My guess, because the camera was not yet invented. The first camera was used in 1685. I speculate the first photograph of a penis was an hour after that.
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Recipes for a Broken Heart
Recipes for a Broken Heart is the true, tender, sad, funny, heart-breaking stories of people who have lived through the worst pain of all – a broken heart. And the comfort foods that helped get them through their painful ordeal.
Warning: None of these recipes are gluten free or sugar free or any other kind of free – when your heart is breaking, who cares about antioxidants! When you are in the midst of heartbreak you need food to give you a nice big hug and tell you it’s all going to be okay. Rice cakes and kale will never give you the love a brownie sundae will supply. Yes the love is fleeting, but a few minutes of joy when everything else truly sucks is sometimes enough to get you through to the next day.
Typo scavenger hunt! Anyone who buys the print book and sends me a picture of themselves with the book and a list of 5 (totally intentional) typos in the first week of purchase – I will send them a $5 Starbucks card. I’m a comedian – let’s have fun w/ life’s imperfections!
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