Stripper Shoes, Pole Dancing & New Years Resolutions

It has been noted that some of my fabulous shoes seem as if they might be more worthy of the pole than the venues I sport them. I always respond with a smile and “yes”, furthermore many of my shoes might be better suited for over the shoulder activities as well.  Another smile as they figure this one out. But really why should strippers get all the fun shoes? My feet want to rock the stage even if I decide not to go sans clothing.

Pole dancing classes have been an on again off again trend for many years now. I admit I have taken a few classes. Honestly, I will do anything that looks more fun than running or actual sit ups. (Which by the way – traditional sit up are really not good for your back.) What I can tell you is the pole is hard work and the people who choose to participate in this form of dance for exercise are getting a great workout. I have now seen poles in several people’s houses. I know they are always a bit embarrassed to confess that they participate in this ‘sport’. But I applaud them. They found something they love and they are enjoying their workouts. I can see how explaining the pole in your living room to a visiting grandma might be an awkward family moment however.  On the plus side a dance pole can be picked up new for less then $100. Way cheaper than a stationary bike or treadmill and its way harder to hang your laundry on the pole.

Honestly, I wish I could pole dance well. Those aerial moves are truly impressive and if I have that kind of upper body strength I could finally claim one of my on going New Year’s challenges – to be able to do one pull up—I am hopeful this year it will happen. Ok, off to the gym to workout doing things way less fun than pole dancing, but I plan to wear my pole dancing shoes, just to make it more interesting.

Laura

 

 

Shoes, Guns and TSA

I love shoes. I’m blah on guns and very much dislike TSA. It’s true, I gravitate towards the interesting- borderline crazy only meant for theater productions type heels but who in this modern world doesn’t know that TSA and airport security is sadly part of our lives? I hate that I can’t board a plane without having my belongings ruffled through and my body man handled. Thank goodness for TSA pre-check. But this annoys me as well. Yes, I get to go through security faster, but I had to pay money to have this privilege and sometimes I’m still subject to additional security. Being searched without just cause is just another personal right we have given up. When did boarding a plane make you a suspect of a crime? Worthy of a search? I know the tag line, “Its for our safety.”  But studies have shown it really has made no difference in airport security. So we gave up a personal right with no tangible increase to our safety. Welcome to modern air travel.

The average American flies less than once a year. I took close to a 100 flights last year. Maybe that is why I am constantly amazed at the complete surprise some people have going through the airport security line.

“I have to take off my shoes? My belt? I can’t bring my gallon-sized shampoo on the plane?  I have to take of my jacket? Empty my pockets, completely? What? Put my computer in a separate tray. What? ”

For those who fly a lot, being behind you (a collective you) is like getting in line behind the person at the grocery store line who has 50 coupons and wants to write a check when you have one item to purchase.

But people have we lost our minds? A lady in Washington DC tried to go through the TSA check point with these gun shoes in her carry on luggage. Upon inspection the bullets and of course the guns were not real but common sense should of told her this pair was not going to fly – literally.

I can tell you from first hand knowledge she was lucky she was in America, that pair of shoes in a Middle Eastern country would get you detained and possibly not allowed to board the plane. I guess God Bless America! Heaven knows we need a bit of divine intervention.

Laura

I Miss Joan

Joan Rivers was many things: an icon, a comedic tour d’force and she knew fashion.  Comedy is subjective, so if you didn’t care for her comedic stylings, I understand. But you can still admire the women.

Among the many things most people don’t know about me, my first college degree was in business, with a strong emphasis in Fashion Merchandising. I even worked as a buyer in Downtown LA briefly.  I have known who Anna Wintour is since I was 15 years old. And maybe wanted to be her at 18.  And I didn’t need to see The Devil Wears Prada to know how cutthroat the fashion industry can be.  I walked away from working in fashion at 22. I still love beautiful clothes and of course beautiful shoes. And I have been known to anxiously await the arrival of the September Vogue. It’s the most important issue all year in the fashion industry- followed by March.

As a fan of fashion and comedy I loved Joan’s knowledge of fashion and the wit she brought to the color commentary of award shows. She was not the best at interviews or knowing the younger/ up and coming stars, but her take on how they looked was spot on. I know many of you hipster types don’t want to know this but fashion has rules. And yes rules are meant to be broken, but first you need to know them to break them, like all art forms. Cher comes for mind as an excellent example.

With the passing of Joan the award show attendees have gotten sloppy. They don’t have to fear the wrath of Joan. So maybe the have passed on professional advice from designers and stylists who know how to dress people to make them look amazing in person and on TV. Two very different settings to consider when picking an outfit for an international telecast.  (FYI Heidi Klum is going to take some heat for that dress)

At the Golden Globe this year I really noticed the down ward trend in fashion accountability. It’s a formal event, hire someone who knows how to make you look like the star you are or want to be. Don’t think you can do this alone, that will be your first mistake.

I would love to be the New Fashion Police.  (Hint Hint anyone at E) I have the degree and comedy experience. I would never infer that I could replace Joan, but Laura Hayden has some fashion chops of your own to unleash on the celebrity world.

When (not if) I attend the Oscars, Tony’s. Grammy’s, Golden Globes I will assure you I will be wearing fabulous shoes! Tonight it’s these sparkers to an Oscar party.

RIP Joan

Laura

Power Shoes

According to a recent study ladies, the higher your heels are, the more power you have over men.  This means I should be very powerful. (Friendly smirk)

This reminds me of a patient I once treated. She was a very tall, thin women and very mousy. She was a lawyer and not a behind the scenes research type attorney. She represented hard-core dead row murderers. This woman’s whole appearance and personality looked more like she belonged in a library not a maximum-security penitentiary. But this is where she would go to consult with her clients.

I asked, after I got to know her a bit, based on her very quiet unassuming personality how she gathered the courage to face potentially very hostile situations in both the courtroom and in prisons.  She told me should would but on her very tall designer shoes, she called it “packing her penis” and walk into the courtroom and put on the ‘show’.  “I’m another person when I put on my big girl shoes.” Amazing! Of course in heels she was likely 6’ 5” the height alone would garner some power.

I can’t tell you how much I loved her phasing and honesty; I still am amused by her story.

Ironically, I understand this. I am pathological shy- oh I know—I know how can a comedian – speaker very public platform persona be introverted, well it is more common than you think.
When I first started doing comedy I was terrified, but I wanted to do it anyhow (because there is something inherently wrong with me;).

When I started performing I would dress to the nines, I may be terrified but my clothes had it going on! I still dress up, but not like I did when I first started, and the only thing that really stuck was the shoes. I always wear fancy shoes. My philosophy is that if you don’t like the jokes you can always look at the shoes. But I must stay I understand the power of big girl shoes. I put them on and I do feel more powerful. Are women more powerful in high heeled shoes? Is it the actual heel that increased the power shift or our attitude changes when we put them on? This might be the next research study. I know for me, the power is in the shoe. Michael Jordan was right- it’s the shoes.

Laura 

Some Things are Just Wrong

Okay a lot of things in the world are wrong. Wrong has a perspective scale as well, from just plain silly (example, boot sandals) to a crimes again humanity.

Here is a quick list in no particular order. It’s subjective and based on only my opinion. I’m a huge fan of silly and find moral crimes abhorrent. So I might actually purchase #9, but will always find fault with human trafficking. But this is a blog about shoes lets not get too heavy.

  1. Boot Sandals
  2. Kardashians
  3. Beauty Pageant for toddlers
  4. Boob jobs for teenagers
  5. Real Housewives of anywhere
  6. Donald Trump
  7. The spelling of pneumonia
  8. Diet cookies
  9. Bacon toothpaste

10. Crocs (don’t hate, it’s a moral decision for me a shoe lover)

Feel free to add to the list- wrong is everywhere.

Happy wronging to you ;o)

Laura

Zombie Apocalypse

I honestly don’t know when zombie apocalypses went for horror movie premise to a possible reality based catastrophe. People appear to preparing for the pending doom like earthquakes, tsunamis and fires.

Maybe its because we see zombies daily, walking the streets with that glazed look, faces lit with an unhealthy glow from their phone. Stumbling into people on the sidewalk and walking into traffic almost getting run over, while their fingers twitch spasmodically in front of them. This small electronic device has become BFF to many and turned vast numbers of people into the living dead. Look up- Damn it! Life is happening and you missed it!  Free yourselves from this electronic slavery. Make yourself in charge not your phone. Okay soapbox over.

But really zombie chatter seems to be everywhere. So I dug a little deeper and WOW there are tons of articles, reports and even dissertations on the current zombie obsession. Clemson University professor Sarah Lauro states, the phenomenon isn’t a random fad, but part of a historical trend that mirrors a level of cultural dissatisfaction and economic upheaval.  So that’s sociology.

What about the hard sciences?

Well according to some scientist types a zombie apocalypse is sort of possible—and this is sort of scary.

So here are known ways humans can take on zombie like behaviors minus the cell phone.

First, brain parasites aka toxopasmosa gondi which if infected can change your personality into batshit insane. Yes, that is a medical term.

Second human zombie transformation can happen via neurotoxins which are poisons that slow your bodily functions to the point that you’ll be considered dead, even to a doctor. Okay, maybe not a very good doctor. The poison from fugu, like in Japanese blowfish can do this. The victims can then be brought back under the effects of a drug but leaves them in a trance-like state with no memory and only able to perform simple tasks like eating, sleeping, moaning and shambling around with their arms outstretched. Okay I added that last part.  Scary part–this has happened in Haiti. Haiti is where the word zombie originated. There are books about it. Really.

Up third on how to become a zombie is the rage virus aka Mad Cow in humans also know as Creutzfeldt-jakob disease. Symptoms include changes in gait, (medical speak for walking) hallucinations, lack of coordination, muscle twitching and rapidly onset of delirium and dementia. Yup, that sounds like a zombie to me.

Next up we have neurogenesis, which is stem cell studies using dead brain cells. Yup, is some Frankenstein stuff or if you prefer reanimation research.  And it’s closer than you think. It could be a super awesome break through for science or a scary zombie work force, better start looking up from our cell phones and pay attention to the world we live in.

And lastly nanobots a technology that produces microscopic, self-replicating robots that can invisibly build or destroy—anything! Ant Man was not that far off. They are working on using nanobots to travel into the human body to repair damaged areas even in your brain. This screams zombie human race coming in the future. This is the first shoe blog I’ve presented that I thought I should have a reference section at the end.

What really started my research about zombies was I invited to a zombie walk. And of course I wanted to make sure I arrived in the correct zombie attire. If you don’t know what a zombie walk is, its flash mob zombie style aka mass gathering of people who, dressed in the clothes and makeup of the undead, stagger about and dance. The zombie mob originated in 2003 in Toronto and has been documented in 20 countries.

All I wanted to know was what was fashionable zombie walk attire. Because I might be the undead- but I still want to be among the hot undead.

In another study done recently, people freaked out, again a medical term, if asked to spend the night in a graveyard, even if offered a gun for protection. Why? Because on some instinctual level, all humans know it’s just a matter of time until the zombies show up.

Thank goodness I’ll have the correct shoes for the Apocalypse.

Laura

 

 

 

I Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates….

Can you hear yourself singing this old pop ditty? … This sweet little song about a young girl who gets a brand new pair of skates was written by the songwriter Melanie in 15 minutes and was intended it to be a lighthearted tune to perform in between her more intense material. However it proved to be her most successful song. And it also turns out to be about sex, of course. Here are the lyrics.

“I got a brand new pair of roller skates

You got a brand new key

I think that we should get together and try them out, you see

And don’t go too fast, but I go pretty far and for somebody who don’t drive I’ve been all around the world

And I’m okay alone, but you’ve got something I need.”

Ok… enough said about that. Keeping it family friendly.

Roller-skates made their first dubious appearance in 1760. A young Belgian musician (its always the Belgians!) rolled into a London party while playing the violin. It was not a successful entrance as the violinist crashed into a mirror causing nearly a thousand dollars worth of damage, but what a great story.

I did get a new pair of skates, and it’s not euphuism about sex. I really got the wheels. They look nothing like this picture, wish they did, that would be something and really sexy. And I would totally wear them.

However, I’m excited about rolling along the strand on my quad wheels. I’ve have roller blades, I know blades are probably cooler, but they never gave me the joy my skates gave me as a preteen and now I have a more fabulous place to roll (along the ocean) and I will not attempt to play the violin at the same time. Actually,  I’m more of a percussionist. Look back at what gave your joy in your childhood– its worth a re visit.

Laura

Calling All Soles: Shoe-Shaped Church

Yes, you read that correctly, Taiwan has built a giant, shiny, shoe-shaped church. The 55-foot (Ha! I wrote foot, snicker) tall structure looks like Cinderella’s slipper on steroids. The Southwest Coast National Scenic Area constructed the church in an effort to attract female worshippers and tourists to the site. Which I believe it will, heaven knows I wanna visit the shoe mecca.  I wonder what they would erect (snicker again) to attract male worshipers? Insert many risqué ideas here. I’ll go with brasserie.

Surprisingly, neither Las Vegas nor Disney was in on the planning. Apparently the shoe design was inspired by a local girl’s sad story. In the 1960s, a young bride to be lost both of her legs to Blackfoot disease, leading to the cancellation of her wedding. She remained unmarried and spent the rest of her life at a church. The high heel is intended to honor her memory. Oh yeah and bring boatloads of tourists.

The building is set to open on the Chinese New Year, February 8th. It’s the year of the sheep by the way, which biblically seems fitting…the shoe is my Shepard…. The church will not be used for regular services but instead for weddings.

I’m not sure how I feel about mixing worship with a pump, but somewhere in church I learned that is not the outward appearance that counts, but the character of what happens inside that matters. So I’m no one the judge what is in the hearts of the worshipers in the shoe church. And those who pray in glass churches really should not throw stones/shoes.  Besides Calvary Chapel has made a very good go of repurposing all the old Safeway grocery stores in California. I have even attended services there a few times. If good people gather – the building really doesn’t matter.

I wonder if Imelda Marcos will be the patron saint? Or will Dr. Scholl deliver all the uplifting sermons? It will be a church dedicated to saving your sole and all heels are welcome. Your sole’s salvation lies within…

Laura

It Never Rains in Southern California

This iconic song by … I bet you don’t know. I know I didn’t. I’ve heard this song 1000’s of times and would of in a millions years never guessed… Drumroll…Albert Hammond. He is a British singer songwriter. So compared to UK weather, it must feel like it never rains in sunny SoCal.

Well it rained this week, didn’t it my Cali friends. And thank you to the friends who sent me this picture of high-heeled swim fins. I love shoes and I love funny, a perfect combo, thank you.

Because I have spent a quality amount of time in places with “real” weather, I can tell you it really doesn’t rain in Southern California. Which is a whole other issue.

But until you have experienced rain that breaks your umbrella- yes broken, rain that pelts your body so hard, side ways, you think it will bruise you and have been completely soaked in less than 3 seconds, WITH an umbrella, Oh and its freezing, no actually freezing under 32F, not what Californians think is freezing which is anything under 60F, you have never really experienced rain. That was one very long run on sentence. Sorry to all the English teachers.

Californians are weather pussies. And I totally include myself in this group. I’m a native, I love SoCal, it is my home.  We/ I like it sunny, but not too hot, a nice breeze off the ocean is perfect, but not wind. We/I like our sky blue and our clouds white, not grey. We/I have a temperature tolerance of about 9 degrees (Fahrenheit) So about 68F to 77F degrees is how we/I like to roll. Everything else is unacceptable!  We/I don’t know what to do when our narrow weather parameters are altered. We can’t drive. We really don’t know how to drive in weather, as a group, it is frightening.  We can’t work—not with all this rain. It’s depressing. We can’t go out – its too cold. Basically we break down. And all the local news can do is focus on “Storm Watch”—like some great catastrophe took place. It rained 2 inches this week. Lets get a bit of perspective.

Here’s some perspective. A few years back I was doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in Boston. Over the course of 2 days 100s of people walked 40 miles to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. It’s Boston, its May I show up 5am for the walk, which today will be 26 miles. It’s raining, the kind of rain I mentioned above. I’m from SoCal, I don’t do rain. I’m trying to have a good attitude, its charity, but again I’m soaked already and cold. I might have been a bit too whiny because this 70ish year old women who I could tell from her appearance was recently or currently in treatment for cancer, turned and looked at me and then utter these words which I have replayed in my mind many a time when I feel I need checking.

“Really its just rain, stop being such a pussy.”

I was just shut down and given my walking papers by an older lady with cancer who also was doing this walk. I will never forget her.  So I put a smile on my face, knowing that blisters heal and walked those 26 miles in horrible rain with a grateful heart that I don’t have cancer.

Get really SoCal El Nino is coming. Find your umbrellas, Maybe leave some extra times to drive safely, get those tires checked—Hell its rain- stay home and hide, that’s the safest way and invite me over for hot cocoa.

Bonus trivia, Benjamin Franklin invented swim fins, bet you would not have guessed that one either.

Laura

Silly Little Things

“It’s ALL about the shoes”

“Two words for anyone who doesn’t think shoes are important. Cinderella & Dorothy”

Pretty much every one in my circle of friends to causal acquaintances knows I fancy me some pretty shoes. I try not to bore people in conversation about shoes—but some of the kicks I’m sporting often spur a few sentences of chatter. Think of them as an icebreaker in making small talk. Hell the boots I wore for NYE this year got periscoped by no less than 4 people.  Truth be told these boots were worthy of the publicity. Anyhow, it is not uncommon for friends to generously gift me with shoe themed knickknacks. Which I adore—of course.

Friends have given me small wall plaques with the above sayings. I have been given a shoe wine caddy and a few pretty Christmas ornaments of fancy shoes. But this year- the funniest prize goes to my cute little shoe coasters.  So adorable and frankly useful. Coasters always seemed like a silly gift, like a paperweight. But now that I have snappy leopard pump points—I’m not really sure how I lived without them. So much more fun and stylish than a cardboard beer mat, now even my glass is sporting CFMs. God Bless silly little things that make us smile. Happy 2016. May you find oodles of joy in the silly little things.

Laura